This year, I’ve decided to put myself out there. I’ve been applying for jobs, entering competitions and sending my work into the world.

At first, I was hoping for yes. The validation. The confirmation that I was good enough, that my work was worth choosing.

But earlier in the year came two big nos: an Arts Council grant and a job. I was shortlisted for the grant, which was incredible, but just missed the mark. I got an interview for the job but didn’t perform as well as I’d hoped on the day. Both were Big disappointments.

But they also marked a turning point in how I began to think about rejection, opportunity and disappointment itself.

Disappointment often reflects a gap between expectation and reality. It can involve grieving a future we had already begun to live in our minds. With those two nos, I had to allow myself to feel the disappointment, grieve the possibilities I’d imagined and, eventually, ask myself: OK, what do I do next?

It got me thinking about starting a Disappointment Log. A place where I could record the opportunities I’ve put myself forward for, the outcomes and, perhaps most importantly, what I’ve learned along the way

The idea is to count the things I can control: the jobs I apply for, the competitions I enter, the poems I submit and the opportunities I pursue.

Ten job applications. Five writing competitions. Three poems submitted. Whatever the numbers might be.

The verdict is another matter entirely.

I can’t guarantee I’ll get shortlisted, win a competition or have my work selected. But I can record that I tried.

Despite the disappointments, I’ve kept going. 

Along the way, I’ve developed a stronger sense of my own agency. I’ve realised I don’t have to wait for opportunities to come my way. I can create possibilities by putting myself forward, even when I don’t know how things will turn out

It’s helping me put the disappointments into perspective. And recently, the Disappointment Log even helped me have a laugh at a new ‘no’.

I received an email about a job application recently. I don’t even remember when I applied for it. The email informed me that I had met the eligibility criteria for the role. Excellent. I’d passed the first hurdle.

However, after a rigorous shortlisting exercise, the board had decided that, while I demonstrated some relevant experience, I hadn’t demonstrated the depth and breadth of experience required for the role. It was an emotional rollercoaster of an email to read.

So, in summary: yes, but no. 😂 That one is definitely going in my log.

The Disappointment Log isn’t about pretending rejection doesn’t hurt. It still does. But it’s about recognising that rejection isn’t the only thing I take away from the experience. I can be disappointed and still be proud that I tried and learn something new about myself – the Arts Council application showed me how much I wanted to develop as a writer. The job interview made me question where I was putting my time and energy.

Initially, I thought the log might be a rather negative exercise, but now I see it as a record of hope. Every entry represents something I wanted enough to pursue. Despite the nos, I keep putting myself forward. I keep believing that something might come of it.

Perhaps that’s what the log really shows me: not how many times I’ve been disappointed, but how much hope I still have.